Slobberknocker Central Monday Night Recap #202 September 27th, 1999 The Opening Word: Know why I hate playing action figures with little kids? Because they don't know how to sell! Here I am playing "guys" with my two younger nephews. One has the X-Men Bishop character. The other has the Rey Mysterio-esque figure that came bundled in the two-pack with Goldberg. I had my 10" tall Trendmasters Godzilla. Now, by all rights I should have been kicking their asses, but they both no-sold all my offense! My Atomic Fire had no effect on them; and both easily recovered from the whip of my Mighty Tail. When I did start getting the upper hand, they cheated by calling in reinforcements: Wolverine, Spider-Man, a G.I. Joe guy, a heavily armed Spawn figure, and the Raven with the karate chop, among others. King of the Monsters or not, there's no way in hell I can combat all of that! Why wasn't the Incredible Hulk on my side? We're both GREEN! Anyway, I guess what I'm getting at is I'm really not looking forward to doing the Recap this week. Unforgiven turned out to be a bummer of a show. Not terrible, just thoroughly boring. The "Kennel From Hell" is my pick for worst match of the year. I liked the main event, but the outcome was pretty predictable. The rest of the show was mostly "bleh". That leads to Monday night. WCW continues their rebuilding effort. The WWF would be looking to reassure the fans that they still are on top of the game. Let's get this mutha started ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WCW Monday Nitro: Live/Taped: Live. Length: Three Hours+. Location: Atlanta, Georgia. HOUR ONE Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - A limo arrives. It's Hulk Hogan. Legions of adoring children surround the Hulkster, hoping to get an autograph. There's also a larger child, who looks a lot like Sting, who takes Hogan down with a baseball bat shot to the knee. This spells certain jeopardy for tonight's main event! - "Last Week" video package. - WCW logo, opener, hype. Cut back to the parking area, where Mike Tenay is trying to get a word with Hogan as they snap his kneecap back in place. Hmm ... this all looks familiar. Hogan insists he will carry on tonight. Cut to an undisclosed location, where Sting is looking on, mumbling about not getting the job done. - CHRIS BENOIT vs. ERNEST "THE CAT" MILLER (w/ Sonny Onoo) Strictly by-the-numbers, but they're good numbers. Onoo passes off the ruby slipper to the Cat. Miller takes a swing, but misses Benoit and hits Onoo instead. Headbutt off the top, followed by the Crippler Crossface. Good opener to work up the crowd. WCW seems to have realized what I've said for two years: Benoit will get over with more than just the Smart fans if they simply give him wins. All those matches where he "fought hard but still lost, but valiantly" didn't do crap for him. Now roll him over Berlyn, Van Hammer, Hugh Morrus and Vampiro, and he'll be one of the most over guys in the company. Hey, it worked for Goldberg. Bobby Heenan does a heel turn during this match, meaning he's still pretty much the same, he just tells Schiavone to shut up a lot more. - Sid video package. - EL VAMPIRO vs. BUFF BAGWELL I can dig it if Nitro puts on all their workrate in the first hour. I mean it'll suck going back to write this Recap, but it sure makes it easier to switch over to RAW. This match goes about 50/50 down the middle, with neither guy dominating nor getting too pounded upon. Bagwell then hits the Buff Blockbuster out of nowhere for the win. Eh. Too competitive for a squash, but not competitive enough to be all that interesting. I hear there's already an outcry over Vampiro having to job here. I don't really see it that way. Looked more like WCW flipped a coin and said "Buff, you get the win tonight." No Insane Clown Posse tonight. The long and short of it is WCW pulled Eric Bischoff's old deal off the table, and offered the Clowns a new one, whereby they'd have to wrestle more dates. Since the ICP consider themselves musicians, and not wrestlers, they had to turn it down. Given that these guys aren't doing anything for ratings (and they're only mediocre wrestlers to boot) WCW doesn't want to pay them the big per-match amount they had been getting. So, unless they decide to put their music tour on hold, we won't be seeing much of them in WCW anymore. Unfortunately for them they burned their bridges in the WWF by being an attitude problem there, and totally screwed over their relationship with ECW by backing out of last week's Anarchy Rulz PPV at the last minute (they refused to job to Raven and Tommy Dreamer). You may have to go see these guys in concert to see them "wrestle". At the conclusion of this match Schiavone and Heenan go into a lengthy bit of on-camera speculation over what will happen with both Sid and Goldberg in the building tonight. Suddenly we hear someone calling Tony's name: "Tony ... WCW ... this is the beginning of the darkness that will fall upon you." The screen goes dark, and we see a window with clouds floating by, and lightning. Huh!?! - As if that last bit wasn't weird enough, we come back to a funeral home. In a movie this would probably be described as a "dream sequence". A sign informs us that services are being held for Lex Luger. And there Lex is, laying in state in a coffin. A veiled woman dressed in black sits nearby. Lex Luger's ghost then appears, and says he was a fine man and champion, but that he's no longer with us. Dissolve to the grave site. The ghost is back, as the veiled woman throws flowers into the grave. The ghosts words are played again, though distorted. Into the arena we go, live. The veiled woman comes out, revealing herself to be Miss Elizabeth. Up in the ring, meanwhile, Lex Luger flexes and poses. Schiavone tells us from now on we are only to refer to Luger as "The Total Package". I can't believe Luger is "The Narcissist" again! The Total Package looks like he's been hitting the Ico-Pro pretty hard during his layoff, as he's more jacked and chiseled than ever. He'd better hope nobody comes up and asks him to piss in a cup. This ain't the World Bodybuilding Federation. Damn, this was positively compelling stuff. I'm now more interested in Lex Luger than I ever was! ... that is, I'm sure that's what WCW *hopes* we think, anyway. - Hogan's having his knee worked on. Sting comes in and gives it another whack. Now THAT was funny. - REY MYSTERIO, JR. (w/ Filthy Animals) vs. DEAN MALENKO (w/ Revolution) Yup, workrate hour. They blow through this one at high speed, making everything look way too choreographed. Shortly before the end they go split-screen to the arrival of Sid and Rick Steiner. Mysterio pulls a win out of his ass at the (+/-) three minute mark. If I didn't know better I'd say they wrapped it up quick so that Sid couldn't come out and ruin the match. HUGH MORRUS (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. GOLDBERG Ah, this is why they wrapped it up quick. They go immediately to this match, without a commercial. RAW is about to start, by the way. Goldberg's lengthy entrance just about carries into the start of RAW. They stretch this one out, with a quick appearance by Sid and a steel chair to slow Goldberg down. Goldberg still comes back and hits the Spear and Jackhammer for the win. Goldberg grabs the mic and tells Sid again that he's "NEXT!" HOUR TWO Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - Hogan's ambulance departs. Since this is most assuredly a rip-off of an earlier Hogan angle (Clash of the Champions XXVIII, aired on TBS August 24th, 1994) Hogan will return to wrestle later in the night. The funny thing is *that* Hogan angle was "borrowed" from an angle WCW did with Sting (Clash of the Champions XVII, aired on TBS November 19th, 1991). - Nitro Girls Search. "Mean" gene and Kimberly bring out our latest prospects. - BERLYN (w/ Bodyguard) vs. EVAN KARAGIAS Squash. Berlyn hits a kneelift to the head that I actually thought was interesting. Otherwise--HE SUCKS. Once again Berlyn needs help from his bodyguard, which is dumb if his character is being played straight (and not as a cowardly heel, like Chris Jericho). Brad Armstrong runs in and they kick his can too. Flashing back to those Clash of the Champions above reminds me that Brad Armstrong SUCKED eight years ago too. Who in WCW thinks pushing him to a PPV match with Berlyn will make EITHER the least bit interesting? Goldberg is off looking for Sid. In his dressing room he finds some dumb lackey with Sid's car keys. - David Flair is backstage trying to track down Torrie over the phone. Why does he have to come to an arena in Georgia to do that? Doesn't he live in Charlotte? And why did WCW feel this was worthy of being captured on tape? I'm sure there's plenty of people backstage making phone calls. This would be like RAW showing George "The Animal" Steele backstage eating a sandwich. WHAT'S THE POINT?! - HARLEM HEAT vs. THE WEST TEXAS REDNECKS I think Hennig's still injured. Barry & Kendall Windham do the honors. I'm doing my best to ignore Vincent. The Heat use a bit of chicanery, involving a shot with a title belt, to get the win. Why does *this one* have to be the longest match of the night? *Snooze!* Goldberg's on the phone having Sid's car towed. SEE, there are other people backstage making phone calls! - Rick Steiner comes out. He brings up the challenge Van Hammer threw out to Sid last Thursday on Thunder. RICK STEINER vs. VAN HAMMER Mark that down as ONE match WCW promised last week, but didn't deliver. Steiner with the bulldog off the top. Not a squash, but it should have been. - Clip of Lex Luger nailing Bret Hart with a bat two weeks ago. - "Mean" Gene is out to interview Bret Hart. Hart calls Lex Luger "Lex Luger", and not "The Total Package". Hart has no respect for he and Sting. He thinks Hogan is the "Elvis of wrestling". He'll be proud to be Hogan's partner. Ric Flair comes out, and says much the same. HOUR THREE Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - David Flair has contacted Torrie Wilson. She says she's still at the airport, though she's really in another part of the building drinking with the Filthy Animals. WCW desperately needs their own "GTV". - Sid's lackey tells him Goldberg took his car keys. - SATURN vs. KONNAN RAW is slowly starting to stink up the air over on the other channel, and *this* is all WCW can counter with? The match lasts forever, then ends in a DQ when Chavo Guerrero, Psychosis, Silver King and Juventud Guerrera come in and punk out Konnan. The other Filthy Animals are in to rescue Konnan, while the Revolution come out to extricate Saturn from the melee. Saturn and Shane Douglas argue, further widening the cracks in the Revolution's foundation. - Sid checks out his car, which looks okay. Too bad he left just before that tow truck pulls up. Isn't, like, EVERYONE involved in WCW production an accessory to what is about to go down. Shouldn't someone go up to Sid and say "uh, man, I think Goldberg's gonna do something to your car." - Ric Flair/Diamond Dallas Page video package. - Goldberg checks out Sid's car, about to be towed away. I hope this hapless tow driver doesn't go to jail along with Goldberg and the entire WCW production crew. Goldberg reminds him to have it back by the end of the show. - "Mean" Gene. Diamond Dallas Page. The usual. - An Atlanta Falcon is in the crowd, along with that fat guy from Blues Traveler (as you may guess, I'm a fan of neither). - KIDMAN vs. PSYCHOSIS This is the "Hair vs. Mask" match promised last week, meaning the "Matches WCW Promised Last Week, But Didn't Deliver" count stays at ONE. Kidman has a barber chair, and barber, up on the stage, trying to convince us that the inevitable won't come about here. Lengthy match, which draws the crowd in by the end with a number of near falls. Kidman fends off interference by Juvi (who is a pretty, pretty man) and Chavo, and hits the Shooting Star Press for the win. Psychosis' mask comes off, eventually, and if you don't blink, you get a quick look at his face. Good match. Seriously though, I saw Juvi from the back at ringside and thought "hey, who's that hot chick?" He then turned around. Augh! - DDP, Luger, Sting and Liz are backstage. DDP has to point out to everyone that the camera is running. Ric Flair then starts to the ring, and gets annoyed when the cameraman won't stop filming and get out of his way. WCW should send a memo out when they decide to change their style like this. - Michael Buffer gets paid an incredible amount of money to say five names. - STING/LEX LUGER/DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE (w/ Liz) vs. RIC FLAIR/BRET HART No sign of Hogan, so up the "Matches WCW Promised Last Week, But Didn't Deliver" counter to TWO. There's barely a few minutes of airtime left. Everyone gives it their best, but the fans are too busy looking for the inevitable run-in to pay much notice. The baseball bat comes into play and the (fictitious) cut in Hart's mouth is reopened. The ref finally gives up and calls for the DQ. In comes David Flair(?) for the save. Yeah, right. Outside the ambulance has returned, and its door stand open, empty. Here comes Hogan, limping ... about as badly as he usually does. Yet he is somehow able to beat away Luger, Sting and DDP singlehandedly. Man, it's getting a bit thick her, so let's go to ... ... Sid. Outside. His car is back, but it's now only about a foot tall. Seems someone ran it through a compactor. Given that Sid already has a restraining order against Goldberg, I'd assume that next week he'll swear out a warrant for his arrest. - This Thursday: Nothing announced. Thunder airs late following Atlanta Braves Baseball. - Next week: Nothing announced. Comments: The same old story with WCW: plenty of good wrestling if you want to look for it. Otherwise, not a whole lot of interesting stuff going on. WCW tried a bit harder in that respect this week, and save for the stuff with Sid's car, I think most of it tanked. The bit with Luger in the coffin was lame, as is the idea of repackaging the "Total Package". That bit with the flying window reminds me too much of the "Blood Runs Cold" promos. Remember those? What's the point of hyping three matches for the next week, then not delivering on two of them? Couldn't Hogan wrestle? If he couldn't, shouldn't they have know that last week? The Van Hammer challenge is the one that really stymies me. It seemed so pointless last week for someone to offer themselves up to be killed like that. Then to use it as a bait-and-switch to deliver a Steiner near-squash? I thought the first hour, once again, was solid this week. Then, as usual, the whole rest of the show, save for a match or two, was off the mark. But once again nothing was really outright terrible, so WCW still shows SOME bit of improvement. Berlyn's gotta go, ASAP. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WWF RAW is WAR: Live/Taped: Live. Length: Two Hours+. Location: Greensboro, North Carolina. WWF RAW Hosted By: Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. - Still photos from the "Six Pack Challenge"--pretty much the only part of Unforgiven worth watching. - Earlier in the day Vince McMahon settled the dispute with the striking referees. He gives them the total authority they need to do whatever it takes to maintain law and order. Jim Korderas, the picket line-crossing referee with his arm in a sling who worked the PPV main event, doesn't look too pleased. - Triple H and Chyna come out to piss off the crowd. And here comes the British Bulldog. It seems the two of them had a deal: whoever became the new WWF Champion gives the other a title shot. Triple H says he lied. One thing leads to another and the Bulldog is laid out by the dastardly duo. Vince McMahon puts in an appearance. He says Triple H will have to defend the belt tonight, but not against the Bulldog, but against the man the Bulldog screwed last Thursday--the Rock. Jim Ross wonders why Steve Austin isn't getting the shot as was promised to him by McMahon. Hype for tonight's card leads to a PPV clip of WWF Women's Champ Ivory mixing it up with the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. Jeff Jarrett is backstage talking to Tom Pritchard. - Mankind has someone under a sheet--some kind of surprise for the Rock. He also carries balloons and gift-wrapped presents. Jarrett, Pritchard and Miss Kitty are now starting to head out to the arena. Hey, maybe they could show us some people making phone calls too! - A taped clip shows Stephanie McMahon and Test picking out his tuxedo for the wedding. The (women in the) live crowd pop like crazy when he models it for her. - Jarrett, Pritchard and Miss Kitty hit the ring. Jarrett challenges Chyna and Debra to a tag team match. Jeezus, how about a MATCH tonight?! - CHRIS JERICHO vs. THE BIG SHOW Well, this is a mismatch. Or it should be, but Jericho takes it right to the Show, scoring some good offense against him. Prince Albert appears from nowhere and starts badmouthing the Show, while doing color commentary. Moments later he hits the Show with a top turnbuckle drop-kick. My, that was ... random. DQ. The Road Dogg then shows up to get some of Jericho. Mankind still has someone under the sheet. Stevie Richards strolls by and asks if he can "borrow" the Dude Love gimmick. "Why?" asks Mankind. "Because he's a chick magnet!" The deal consummated, Mankind tells whoever is under the sheet "the chicks *hated* Dude Love. That was part of the gimmick!" Steve Austin is in the building. I don't think I'm supposed to notice Pat Patterson back there, as he scrambles to get out of view. - Michael Cole has tracked down Chyna. She accepts Jarrett's challenge, but says Debra should stay out of it. - "Stone Cold" is out to get something cleared up. He calls out Vince McMahon. What Austin would like to know is why he isn't getting his title shot? Vince says he'll get it at the upcoming "No Mercy" PPV, no matter who the champion is. Austin seems satisfied, though warns that he'll stomp a mudhole in McMahon's ass if he screws him. - GTV this week features Terri Runnels with the Mean Street Posse, just after they've had a little fun in the shower. They send her packing, unfortunately before Pete Gas has had his turn. Serves that gorilla right! - Triple H and the Rock are getting ready for tonight's main event. - STEVE BLACKMAN vs. D-LO BROWN Gee, should we even bother with any more matches tonight? Droz is out for color commentary this time. Nothing match, as little more than a minute in Blackman nails D-Lo with his kendo stick, blowing his shot at the European Title. He also nails security guy Jim Dotson on his way out (Dotson had gotten physical with Blackman at the PPV). Droz seizes the opportunity to pound on D-Lo. He also pukes on him, which is gross. Mark Henry comes out for the save, apparently intent on patching up his relationship with D-Lo. Mankind and his mystery guest are up next. - "During the break" clip shows Austin turning down an offer from Mankind to join his little party for the Rock. Maybe Austin isn't so pleased with not getting his shot tonight. - Here comes Mankind and his presents. I'm going to blow through this, because it took us into ... WWF WAR ZONE Hosted By: Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. ... hour two, and lasted nearly TWENTY MINUTES. Mankind is out to play "This Is Your Life" with the Rock. The Rock comes out to his remixed theme music, which they debuted at the PPV. Mankind brings out a procession of guests from the Rock's past: his home economics teacher (the WWF horribly screws up the chyron listing for her), his high school football coach, and his date to the senior prom. Each one offers the Rock an opportunity to set them up for one of his trademarked catchphrases. Mankind, a bit miffed, then gives the Rock his presents. The first is a jacket which read "The Rock & Sock Connection". The Rock's name is on his, while Mankind has one with "Mick" on his. The next present turns out to be a sock--Mr. Rocko--with the rock's face airbrushed on it. The Rock hasn't been too impressed with any of this. The final straw comes in the form of the person under the sheet, who turns out to be Mankind's old friend, Yurple the Clown. Jeezus, Gawd Almighty! Will this NEVER END?! They also wheel out a birthday cake. Mankind and Yurple lead the crowd (badly) in a chorus of "Happy Birthday", which doesn't go over well. The Rock thanks his fans, but tells Mankind his birthday was back on May 2nd. Mankind says that every day with the Rock is like SOMEONE'S birthday. FINALLY Triple H comes out, swinging a sledgehammer. Were I there, I'd let him hit me, just to make me forget this segment. Okay, it was funny at first--damn funny, but at about the ten minute mark it completely ran out of gas. AND WHAT WAS THE POINT?! I think they're trying to bring about a split between the two, but this was a terrible way to do it (and they didn't even do it yet, just sort of teased it). Twenty minutes setting up a joke, with no punchline. They could have at least dumped that cake on someone. - The New Age Outlaws come out to do their catchphrase thing. They have an open contract to defend the tag titles tonight. Who should then come out but ... THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS vs. X-PAC/KANE Yes! Finally some decent action. No! Hardcore & Crash Holly come out and ruin it. Another DQ, this one at about the two minute mark. There's been, by my count, maybe six minutes of wrestling in the show thus far. - Terry Taylor gets comments from the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. Who does Mae Young look more like: Sam the American Eagle from "The Muppet Show", or that buzzard that always tried to kill Woody Woodpecker? It seems these two crones will be taking on Ivory in a handicap non-title match. - IVORY vs. THE FABULOUS MOOLAH/MAE YOUNG Dear God, this will be an EVENING GOWN MATCH! You know, Moolah used to wrestle quite a bit back when Hogan was still in the WWF. That tells you ... hee-hee ... how old SHE is ... hee-hee AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Ivory just ripped Mae's gown off! There's her damn, saggy old puppies. I think I just felt something snap in my cerebral cortex. An 80 year old, half-nude woman was just dumped over the top rope. I've sunk into whatever level of hell Bob Crane and Albert Dekker are in. I hope Gorilla Monsoon isn't watching, because this will put him back in the hospital. Moolah rips Ivory's dress off, winning the match. Thank heavens Ivory, that sweetheart, is wearing a thong. Mae is back in the ring, looking like one of those monsters in "The Dark Crystal", or the Rancor beast in "Return of the Jedi". The saddest part is this was the LONGEST match of the night on RAW thus far. I think I've lost the will to live. Chyna's match is next. GTV catches Val Venis finding Mr. Rocko in a trash can, rolling it up, and using it to stuff his trousers. - CHYNA vs. JEFF JARRETT/"DR." TOM PRITCHARD (w/ Miss Kitty) Before the match they agree that if Chyna wins, she gets an IC Title rematch at No Mercy. The match begins. Debra comes out and removes her top, distracting Pritchard. Chyna nails Jarrett in the jewels. Pritchard then hits Chyna with Jarrett's guitar. Chyna falls on top of Jarrett, and the ref makes the three count. Triple H and the Rock are next. - TRIPLE H (w/ Chyna) vs. THE ROCK A fairly decent match here, but given the way the show's gone, I'm not much up to covering it. The British Bulldog comes out about seven minutes in and nails the Rock with a steel chair, causing the DQ. Davey Boy puts his boots to the Rock, and Triple H as well, as the show fades out. - This Thursday: Nothing announced. - Next week: Nothing announced. Comments: "SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT" RUNS AMOK! Unforgiven sucked because it was boring. That was it's worst sin. This week's RAW sucked because ... it sucked. I don't think they even hit the fifteen minute mark in terms of total wrestling. I enjoyed the first hour, for the most part, but please--let us never speak of the second hour ever again. Even with the solid main event it has to be a candidate for the "Worst Hour of RAW Ever". Where was everyone tonight? The Big Bossman, Al Snow, Midian, Viscera, Shane McMahon, Test, Gangrel, Edge, Christian, the Hardy Boyz, the Acolytes, The Dudley Boyz, Luna, Tori, Terri Runnels, Jacqueline--I'm sure I'm leaving a few out. Mark Henry, Val Venis, Droz, Prince Albert and Steve Austin were there, but didn't wrestle. The Undertaker and Ken Shamrock are both out with injuries, so that I can understand, but what about the rest? Maybe there were weather problems or something. I hope to God that explains the poor quality of tonight's show. Chyna vs. Jarrett II at No Mercy. Sorry, but I already paid $30 to see Chyna win the strap. I'm not paying again for the next PPV to see what I should have seen the last time. At this point I can't even conceive of a card which would get me to buy No Mercy. I'm saving it for Survivor Series. Maybe. Guys, who would you rather sleep with: Mae Young, or Juventud Guerrera? Don't answer so fast ... I hope this was just an "off" week for the WWF. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bottom Line: If I still picked a winner like the old days, I'd give it to Nitro this week--mostly out of spite against RAW. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Slobberknocker Central" and "Monday Night Recap" are copyright 1999 by John Petrie, and all opinions expressed therein are his own, and not those of "USLink". Check the "Slobberknocker Central" main page for info on how to receive the "Recap" free via E-Mail every week. Volume One, Number 202 of the "Monday Night Recap", September 27th, 1999.