(NOTE: This week's Recap was delayed by my blowinng it off to spend Christmas with my family.) WWF Monday Night RAW: Taped 12/16. Hosted by Vince McMahon, Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. - "WILDMAN" MARC MERO (w/ Sable) vs. HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY No content advisory this week (uh-oh). Hunter comes out to Beethoven's "Ode To Joy," which is four or five times cooler than he is. They show clips recapping what happened last week. Goldust's music starts and we see him and Marlena up in the crowd taking seats to watch the match. Mero takes command early, sending Helmsley to the floor. Mero then exits the ring and chases Jerry Lawler from the ringside area. Helmsley catches Mero on his way back to the ring and takes over offensively. Back and forth action for the next few minutes with nothing much happening. Maybe it's just me, but these guys seem to have run out of ways to do this match. It was like watching a mutual decision between both men to dominate half the match until whoever was supposed to win did so. I had gone into this one hoping Mero would take the title back and we'd see the last of Helmsley. It became rapidly clear that not only would Mero NOT win the belt, but that Goldust would interject himself in some manner, and that that was the whole point of this match. And if you'll indulge me in a rant for a few minutes, Helmseley has got to go. Either the man or the character. Unless you're trailer trash or "tetched in the head," the idea of a rich snob no longer draws heat in and of itself. This character would do much better down south, and even there it'd be a tough sell. Helmsly simply does not draw any heat anymore (if he ever did to begin with). His interviewing is poor. He's obviously done nothing to give the character any depth, no research or practice. Every time he speaks it's as if he's trying to remember how some rich character acted in a movie he once saw. Take his recent appearance on Live Wire. They showed him out Christmas shopping. He couldn't decide what to get. "I'll buy everything!" Sez HHH. Gee, are you a millionaire, or a billionaire? If you're that rich, why do you even wrestle? Why is it you're filthy rich, yet you had to rely on Mr. Perfect to help you win the title. Can't you afford an entourage? You couldn't just hire some pipe wielding thugs to take out Mero? You see where I'm going with this? One week he's just a snob, or an "American Blueblood," then the next he's something else. Even the name is a hackneyed conglomeration of names of prominent rich people. It could have just as easily been "Hunter Hearst Trump" or "Nelson Kennedy Astor." What's more, his developement as a competent wrestler has ceased entirely. His entire ring repetoire consists of rest holds, a few Shawn Michaels- esque bumps, and the Pedigree. He was much better as the arrogant Jean Paul LeVesque, when he seemed to be a rapidly developing talent with a gimmick that seemed at least feasible. Then he became the typical WWF cartoon character and his ring training seems to have stopped altogether. I daresay most of the very little heat he does manage to draw stems from the fact that the average WWF fan mistakenly believes him to be British, (and we all know how the American fans have the innate characteristic of disliking "foreigners"). Helmsley owes a lot to Mero for carrying him through the last year, and that hasn't been enough to put him over (and has the detrimental side effect of perhaps dragging Mero down with him, labeling him as a guy who can only wrestle Helmsley. The only other regular opponent Mero had was Goldust, and he himself was suffering from injuries and had gotten seriously out of shape). The WWF's mistake was burying the guy for six months (apperently as punishment for his taking part in the Clique's "farewell" celebration at Madison Square Garden earlier this year"). They then finally resurrect his push, but did so in a manner that tied him in heavily to Mr. Perfect. Now with Perfect gone, that has left Helmsley without a leg to stand on. The majority of the resentment generated by the fans had been aimed at Hennig, not Helmsley. So what should they do with him? It's too bad that the WWF lost IRS, because a visit from the tax man might go a long way towards rehabilitating the character, and at least give him a means by which to do a face turn. As it is, this character couldn't even be played as a babyface. Right now I'd have to categorize the character in the same vein as T.L. Hopper and Isaac Yankem. It's a stereotype, and one that people aren't as predisposed to dislike as they once may have been (after all, people had a bigger fear and dislike of dentists in Vince McMahon's day than they do now, and who fears the plumber anyway)? How would I book him back to the land of the interesting? Here's what I would do: I'd go "Phantom of the Opera" with him. Put him in a match with someone like Mankind (say at the King of the Ring). Mankind, being Mankind, brutalizes him. Let him toss a fireball or have Helmsley do a blade job. Then we wouldn't see him for a while until he returned under a mask, now simply calling himself "Hunter" and seeking revenge against Mankind. Then at some point down the road he'd be convinced to take off the mask and we'd see that his "scars" have healed. The fans would hopefully have forgotten his past transgressions and he'd be accepted as a face. Okay, so perhaps it is overdramatic, melodramatic and gothic, but given the fact that Helmsley's current role isn't meant to attract our attention for 5 or 10 minutes each week anyway, turning him into a soap opera wouldn't be too over the top. Yeah it would. Back to the match where not all that much has happened. A commercial break has broken the momentum and flow of the match. Helmsley is now in control, doing his moves, then taunting Goldust. Mero comes back with a flying head scissors, then a dropkick off the top which barely connected because Helmsley didn't get close enough to the corner. Mero whips him into the corner, picks him up in a fireman's carry and then a Samoan Drop. Mero then signals for the "Wild Thing," goes up and does the Merosault, which is his 1/2 spin into a moonsault. It misses. Helmsley picks Mero up and applies the Pedrigree and covers for the clean pin. Ego count: * Mero does the clean job, but only because he missed a move (i.e. he beat himself, as opposed to Helmsley overpowering him). * Helmsley gets the clean win because he'll most assuredly be losing the belt to Goldust at the Royal Rumble, then job on the house show circuit. Ross and McMahon spend a good deal of the match speculating about what the Honkeytonk Man is going to announce later in the show (which shows you how interested they were in the match). Helmsley then gets on the mic and tells Goldust that he'll show him at the Rumble what it's like to be a real man. Goldust comes to the ringside railing through the crowd, but Helmsley takes off for the back. This being taped only one night after Goldust's turn at In Your House, the crowd is somewhat unsure of his motives, so he's cheered, but it not overwhelming. I guess Goldust has gone back into the closet, so to speak. Goldust goes back up to his cheap seat and kneels before Marlena. - Recap of Billy Gunn being crippled by his bumpkin brother. They play comments that Bart had telephoned in to Live Wire over the weekend. - Sunny comes to the ring in a red Christmas outfit. She cozies up to McMahon and Jim Ross is disgusted. - ROCKY MAIVIA vs. SALVATORE SINCERE (w/ Jim Cornette) Muscles, muscles everywhere, and not a brain to think! (Ooohh, that's mean)! Actually this match was much better than the previous one. Maivia starts off strong with some high flying moves, but Sincere takes over with an assortment of moves meant to incapacitate. The idea is that Jim Cornette is paying Sincere to cripple Maivia for not taking Cornette up on his offer to manage him. Sunny sits at ringside drooling over Maivia, and worries when Sincere dominates the match. Maivia uses his speed to take over, applies a DDT, then muscles Sincere into a shoulderbreaker and rolls him up for the pin. Sunny makes it clear that she gets what she wants, and she wants Rocky in her stable. - Vince McMahon interviews Sid in the ring. Sid rules the world, etc. - Promo for "WWF Shotgun Saturday Night." If there's any justice, this should kick ass. - PIERROTH/CIBERNETICO vs. THE NEW ROCKERS Legendary Mil Mascaras sits in with the Spanish commentators. This was one of the best tag matches on WWF TV in quite a while. Pierroth and Cibernetico are bigger and heavier than the average Mexican high flyers, and they both seem to embody a mix of styles. Jim Ross tells us they have a teacher/student relationship, with Pierroth being the elder. Both McMahon and ross are very reverential and informative in their commentary, discussing the Mexican styles of wrestling, as well as the custom of wearing masks. Lots of quick tags and double teaming by both sides. Pierroth favors Jannetty with some stiff chops, then powerbombs him. Leif comes in to break up the pin and Cibernetico tosses him outside, then lands a tope through the ropes. Pierroth finishes Jannetty off with a big bodyslam, then a splash off the top rope. Jannety and Cassidy get into a heated exchange in the center of the ring, but do not come to blows. Ross then interviews Mil Mascaras, who did not look to be all that prepared. All three AAA stars will be in the Royal Rumble. - The Honkytonk Man, looking a little older and about as heavy as Elvis was when he died, comes to the ring. Not missing a beat, Honky is again referred to as the "Greatest Intercontinental Champion of All Time." - BRET "HITMAN" HART vs. RAZOR RAMON Honky announces that he's looking for someone he can take under his wing to groom as his replacement, someone to follow in his footsteps. This match is mostly Bret Hart. Razor gets in a few flurries of offense, but they consist of little more than punches, stomps, and a big choke. The match spills to the floor and Razor gets whipped into the steps, which he sells badly. They cut to a break, then upon return, Hart quickly finishes Razor off with the Sharpshooter. Cut to the back, where Shawn Michaels has been watching the match on a monitor. He does a cocky interview, reverting to his old form, calling McMahon a "genius" for stating the obvious. That's about it. - Next week's main event: Goldust vs. Jerry "the King" Lawler. Comments: I won't say it sucked, but it was definitely a disappointment. It was only the second week of the taping, but it played out like the third or fourth. Fortunately next week they'll be returning with another live show. WCW Monday Nitro: Live. (Guess what? While I was out doing some late Christmas shopping, my VCR failed to tape the Nitro replay! Imagine my horror when I returned home more than halfway through the show and my VCR was sitting there... dead... dark... cold. I have no idea why it didn't work. The timer was set and I checked it again after what little of the show I was able to tape and it had everything set correctly. Next time I'll just throw in a new tape and hit record. Therefore, this weeks Nitro recap is piteously brief for most of the show. Sorry. What results I do have I picked up from reading the newsgroup). HOUR ONE: Hosted by Tony Schiavone & Larry Zbyszko. - Eddie Guerrero defeated Chris Benoit. Guerrero advances to face Diamond Dallas Page for the U.S. Title at Starrcade. - Interview with the Four Horsemen. Tempers flare between Benoit and Steve McMichael. - Hulk Hogan, Vincent, Ted DiBiase, and Elizabeth come to the ring. They call "Rowdy" Roddy Piper a coward. - Lex Luger defeated Tombstone. The Giant comes to the ring after the match. Tombstone is the infamous "911" formerly of ECW. Luger had no problem putting him in the Torture Rack. - Rey Misterio Jr. defeated Mr. J.L. After the match Rey said that Sting, in his opinion, hasn't joined the NWO. HOUR TWO: Hosted by Eric Bischoff, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and Mike Tenay. - NWO claims Piper is in the building. Tony Schiavone says he isn't. Tony maintains this assertion throughout the show. - Glacier defeated Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker. Had I been home, I would have changed the channel. - The Amazing French Canadians (w/ Colonel Robert Parker) defeated The Public Enemy. - KONAN (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. BIG BUBBA This is where I started taping. Nick Patrick has returned to referee. Bubba goes to the floor to chase Jimmy Hart. Konan attacks him, slamming him into the ring steps, then dropkicking him into the steps. Patrick gives Bubba a slow count allowing him to get back in. The ref then distract Konan and Bubba takes over. "It's a handicap match!" declares Mike Tenay. Bubba takes a Hulk Hogan bandana and chokes Konan. Referee Patrick turns away and misses this. Bubba stomps on Konnan. Jimmy Hart jumps up on the apron and points a finger in Patrick's face. Patrick grabs his eye, says "that's it!" and bars Hart from ringside. Konan angrily takes over and throws Bubba over the top rope. Patrick calls for the bell. Konan stalks Nick, but Bubba grabs Patrick's feet and drags him out of the ring and to safety. - Lee marshall phones in a timekiller from Knoxville, Tennessee. - DEAN MALENKO vs. LORD STEVEN REGAL Malenko and Regal start off trading wristlocks. They then go into a sequence of trading headlocks, tests of strengths, cartwheels and leapfrogs, which looked a bit choreographed, but was pretty to watch. Sonny Onoo comes out to take pictures of Malenko. Regal takes control with a forearm uppercut, a snap mare, then works on him down on the mat. Onoo gets a bit too close, so referee Mark Curtis kicks him out. Regal keeps up the pressure with haedlocks and chinlocks, works on one shoulder or stetches Malenko out. Malenko escapes and delivers a few blows, then a side suplex. Regal goes back to a variation of the abdominal stretch. Malenko escapes again and whips regal into the corner, following with a dropkick. Both men are down on the mat for a bit. Regal recovers and applies a full nelson. Blows are traded and Regal gets Malenko down and tries to turn him into a Boston Crab. Malenko takes him down and tries for a Texas Cloverleaf, but Regal is too close to the ropes. Back up and both trade punches (Regal maybe slipping in a poke to the eyes). Malenko then leapfrogs over Regal, who dropkicks him from behind. Regal does a butterfly suplex and covers for the pin, but Malenko kicks out. Malenko then does a German suplex, no bridge. Then it's a high vertical suplex. Malenko covers for the pin but the bell rings, the time limit having expired. Decent match, just a notch below what these guys can pull out at their peaks. - RICK STEINER (w/ Scott Steiner) vs. JEFF JARRETT I'm considering starting a fund to buy Scott Steiner some new clothes, because he's wearing that same black leather outfit for the fourth or fifth week in a row. Steiner is in control, dominating with power moves. Before this can really get anywhere though, Sting comes out. In the ring he climbs and grabs Jarrett, preparatory to delivering the reverse DDT. He says something to Steiner. Rick clotheslines him. Jarrett then covers Sting and the ref inexplicably counts the pin. They go to a commercial with both Jarrett and Steiner stomping on what is apparently the NWO Sting. - Hulk Hogan comes to the ring and says Piper has admitted that Hogan is the better man (in a telegram delivered to hogan in the back). Piper's bagpipe music starts up. Out comes eric bischoff dressed in a kilt, jaunty Scottish hat, and a red and yellow Hulkamania t-shirt. "They know Piper isn't here" says Schiavone. Bischoff does the worst Scottish accent I've ever heard. Eric acts the part of a coward, saying he (as Piper) did not deserve to be in the ring at WrestleMania. He says he has six kids and a ranch he can't afford. Bischoff then calls for a referee. Nick Patrick comes out. Bischoff says they'll do the match right there. Hogan calls him Piper as Bischoff lays down on the mat. Hogan sets a boot on his chest as Patrick counts to three, Hogan declaring it the end of Piper's career. Then this exchange: EB: "I have always been a Hulkamaniac! You are... the MAN!" HH: "Who bought your house for you?" EB: "You did!" HH: "Who fed your kids?" EB: "You did!" HH: "Who's coatails did you hang on to?" EB: "Yours!" Piper's bagpipes start up again. A contingent of bagpipers come out and line the aisleway. Then Piper himself appears, strideing to the ring. Bischoff hides behind Hogan. Then they trade blows until other NWO members come out and hold Piper. They cut to Sting watching from the rafters. Hogan pounds on Piper until the ring fills with at least a dozen security guards who break the two up. "We've got to go!" Yells Schiavone. - Next week's main event: None announced. Comments: Good stuff, though a noticable drop from the last two weeks. The finish did not have the same fire as last week or the week before, but it served well to set up Starrcade. Bottom line: Starrcade looks like it could be good, but my enthusiasm has cooled a bit from what it was a few weeks ago. Here's the lineup: * Hogan vs. Piper. The World Title is apparently not on the line. * Outsiders vs. Faces of Fear for the Tag Team Titles. * Lex Luger vs. The Giant. * Eddie Guerrero vs. Diamond Dallas Page for the vacant U.S. Title. * Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett. * Dean Malenko vs. Ultimo Dragon. Winner gets nine lightweight title belts. * Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Jushin Thunder Liger. * Madusa vs. Akira Hokuta to crown a Woman's Champion. The Royal Rumble, on the other hand, is shaping up,to be terrific. Here's the lineup thus far: * Shawn Michaels vs. Sycho Sid for the World Title. * Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Goldust for the Intercontinental Title. * The Undertaker vs. Vader. Announced as being in the Royal Rumble match: * "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. * Jake "The Snake" Roberts. * Mankind. * Bret "Hitman" Hart. * Savio Vega. * Razor Ramon. * Diesel. * Mil Mascaras. * Hunter Hearst Helmsley. * Rocky Maivia. * "Double J" Jesse James. * Crush. * Pierroth. * Cibernetico. * The Undertaker. * Flash Funk. * British Bulldog. * "Wildman" Marc Mero. * Ahmed Johnson. * Vader. * Latin Lover. There's nine more names to be announced, with Terry Funk again being rumored to be one of them. I believe Ahmed vs. Faarooq is also a scheduled match, and a Tag Title match could be added. This upcoming week has the making of a memorable one. Being in a list mood, here's that lineup: Sunday: WWF Superstars. Steve Austin in a handicap match with two men. WCW Pro returns from hiatus, counts down to the PPV. WCW Starrcade. Monday: WCW Monday Nitro. Live. Post PPV show, which is usually hot. WWF Monday Night RAW. Live. Hart and Michaels in a head-to-head interview. Saturday: WCW Main Event. Recaps Nitro. WWF Blast Off. recaps RAW. WWF Live Wire. Live. Rocky Maivia is the studio guest. WCW Saturday Night. WWF Shotgun Saturday Night debuts. Live. Look for the following Superstars to be interesting as well, as it should run down what happened on Shotgun Saturday Night. That gives us 5 hours of live WCW shows, and 3 hours of WWF programming. This week's winner: Nitro.