[RESULTS/OPINION] WCW Monday Nitro/WWF Monday Night RAW (7/22)

(Note: My viewing of both shows this week was hampered by the antics of
some porky, deranged kid sitting in the front row of the Nitro crowd. If
I missed anything it's because I couldn't ignore that inbred swamprat of
a spaz. More on him throughout the recap.)

WCW Monday Nitro: Live.

HOUR ONE: Hosted by Tony Schiavone & Larry Zbyszko.

 - WCW drops a few names by showning clips of Muhammad Ali and Shaquille
   Oneal at past WCW events.

 - SQUIRE DAVE TAYLOR (w/ Jeeves) vs. SCOTT "FLASH" NORTON
   Get it straight WCW, is it "Jeeves" or "Geeves?" Taylor wins in a minute
   or so as Norton is disqulified for throwing him over the top rope. We
   first see this annoying kid in a green t-shirt who can't stop acting up
   in front of the camera. He was in his early teens, a few slices of pie
   overweight, and simply couldn't handle the pressures of being on live TV.
   He must have said "hi mom" a dozen times, and along with a group of his
   dysfunctional friends or family members proceeded to be annoying for the
   entire night.

 - Mean Gene interviews the Four Horsemen. It seems Ric Flair is missing.
   Hmmmmm...

 - V.K. WALLSTREET vs. KONAN
   Wallstreet has Konan down and tries a lazy pin (where he casually leans
   back against him.) Konan hooks the shoulders for the pin. The Green Kid
   is just getting warmed up, jumping up and down, grabbing what might have
   been his dad and hooking him in a headlock, annoying this other skinny
   kid (brother maybe) who was just trying to enjoy the show. There was also
   what I'd guess would be an uncle or family friend who looked half baked
   and was the green kid's main partner in crime.

 - Mean gene interviews Sting, Lex Luger and Randy Savage. They may have
   said "stick it" again, but I'm not sure.

 - Glacier promo. This is what you've made us wait for? Glaciers are big,
   cold and slow. This about describes the gimmick. We see some guy (who
   is apparently named Sugar Ray Lloyd) going through some piss-poor
   martial arts moves - dressed like Sub Zero from Mortal Kombat. In the
   Kingdom of Lame, this guy holds the throne.

 - JIM POWERS/ALEX WRIGHT/RENEGADE/"DESPERADO" JOE GOMEZ vs.
   KEVIN SULLIVAN/HUGH MORRUS/BARBARIAN/THE LEPRECHAUN (w/ Jimmy Hart)
   The Leprechaun is in the Dungeon of Doom. The faces are first shown in
   a new video (which probably prompted at least one reader of the newsgroup
   that I know of to start panting heavily) similar to Marcus Bagwell and
   Scotty Riggs' "American Males" video. Not even the fat Green Kid can
   detract from the horror that this match promises...

   Cut to the control room where our favorite wrestlers who no longer really
   wrestle that often (Nash and Hall) are causing mayhem by messing with
   the controls. They darken the screen. They make fun of Turner's poor
   equipment. Tony Schiavone yells that the show is being hijacked. Nash
   really cuts loose, talking in a whining voice whenever anyone tries to
   stop them. Hall has dropped about 80% of the "chico" accent. They force
   the directors to scan the crowd. ("We're looking for a friend!" Whom they
   never do find.) Doug Dellinger and his crack-ed security crew show up
   to escort them out of the control booth. Throughout all of this they
   show us none of the match (nor the Green Kid.) Huzzah!

   Back to the Leprechaun, who runs around outside the ring and bites people's
   feet. Jim Powers gets dumped out of the ring and recieves a pep talk
   from Teddy Long. Back in he goes and cleans house, rallying the other
   prelim bums into a comeback which is quickly squashed by the arrival of
   the Giant. The Giant chokeslams each and every one of the kids (but fails
   to do the deed to the Green Kid, which was a damn shame. The Green Kid
   took great delight in yelling "Jimmy" then high-fiving his drunk uncle.)
   The Giant then does an interview in which he more or less accepts Hulk
   Hogan's challenge to a match at Hog Wild. This gang, was pretty much
   the surprise of the evening (at least it was what we were supposed to be
   anxiously waiting to find out.)

 -  DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE vs. PRINCE IAUKEA
    Diamond Cutter.

 - Recap of the Kevin Sullivan/Chris Benoit feud.

HOUR TWO: Hosted by Eric Bischoff and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

 - DEAN MALENKO vs. CHAVO GUERRERO JR.
   Just how many Guerreros are there, anyway? This one shows a little promise,
   but falls victim to what looked to me like the Scorpion Leglock but Bobby
   Heenan identified as the Texas Cloverleaf. I won't argue with The Brain.
   The Green Kid is in full swing by now, posing like Hulk Hogan, laughing
   like Hugh Morrus, and sweating like Vince McMahon at a steroids trial.

 - ICETRAIN vs. MENG
   Step 1: Punch.
   Step 2: Kick.
   Step 3: Clothesline.
   Step 4: Return to Step One.

   Meng wins by DQ when Scott Norton comes out and posts him. He then tells
   the camera that he want Icetrain to have "no excuses" for their match
   (Norton vs. Icetrain - they broke up you see) at Hog Wild. Speaking of
   hog wild, that's how the Green Kid acted as Norton walked by.

 - New World Order recap, in which we see just how little they've actually
   done.

 - EDDY GUERRERO vs. PSYCHOSIS
   I was hoping for an excellent match, but was slightly disappointed. Both
   guys seemed flat. Green Kid achieves his shining moment of glory when
   Guerrero is dumped out of the ring and rolls to a stop at his feet. Green
   Kid did his best Burgess Meredith impression, trying to fire up Guerrero.
   Guerrero wins with the Frog Splash and the Green Kid nearly explodes
   (since he figures it's all due to him.) He then tries to simultaneosly
   shake Eddy's hand and snap a picture with one of the Polaroid-in-a-box
   things and fails miserably at both. Eddy ignores him and walks past. I
   give WCW credit for putting these guys on so high in the card.

   I promise... no more about the Green Kid.

 - THE HORSEMEN (w/ Entourage) vs. STING/LEX LUGER/RANDY SAVAGE
   Since the mystery of whether or not the Giant would accept was blown 15
   minutes into the show, Flair's disappearance became the gimmick by which
   WCW would trick us into watching the rest of the show. They show a white
   stretch limo and hint that Flair is in it, perhaps joining the New World
   Order. In fact, this match might have been good if the announcers actually
   commentated on it instead of speculating whether or not Flair had sold
   out to the NWO. As it was it was so-so, set up as such to allow Steve
   McMichael to show off the two or three wrestling moves ne's learned
   (which now include a decent neckbreaker and a weak-ass dropkick.) Debbie
   then tries to hand the silver briefcase (full of confederate money) to
   Mongo, but Woman tries to grab it away. In the confusion it's snared by
   The Macho Man, who uses it to clobber Chris Benoit. Luger covers for the
   pin and the win. Benoit confronts Woman, but is held back by Arn Anderson.

   The faces then do a fairly pointless interview and we fade to black.

 - Next week's main event: They never say.

Comments: Flair never did show. You can also bet that he won't join the NWO
since they talked about him doing so. This was among the worst Nitro's in
recent memory, with only one good match and a really good segment with Nash
and Hall. There was absolutely no pay off to the show, with yet another
interview closing things out.


WWF Monday Night RAW: Live.

 - Quick IYH: International Incident Recap:
  * Free For All Countdown Show:
   - Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw beat Savio Vega.
   - Jose Lethario and Jim Cornette held a debate. Lethario hit Cornette,
     which initiated a confrontation between Shawn Michaels and Vader.
  * In Your House: International Incident:
   - Bodydonnas beat The Smoking Gunns (Non-Title Match.)
   - Mankind beat Henry Godwinn (Godwin replaced injured Jake Roberts.)
   - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin beat "Wildman" Marc Mero.
   - Undertaker beat Goldust by DQ when Mankind interfered. Mankind popped
     out of a hole in the ring and dragged Undertaker down. The Undertaker
     then disappeared and popped up through another hole on the opposite
     side of the ring.
   - Camp Cornette (Vader/Owen Hart/British Bulldog) beat Michaels/Ahmed
     Johnson/Sid. Vader pinned Shawn Michaels.
  * Announced for SummerSlam 96:
   - Mankind vs. Undertaker in a "Boiler Room Match."
   - Shawn Michaels vs. Vader (not officially announced, but strongly
     implied.

 - Show starts with a m0ntage of the sights and sounds of Seattle (the site
   of this and the next three week's shows.)

 - SHAWN MICHAELS/AHMED JOHNSON vs. THE SMOKING GUNNS (w/ Sunny)
   Sunny wheels a cake out to the ring in celebration of Shawn's birthday.
   Shawn looks it over and is jumped by the Gunns. Before the bell can ring,
   Shawn superkicks Billy, knocking him cold. Sunny then tries to dump the
   birthday cake on Shawn (after he had wiped some of the frosting on her
   nose.) Instead Ahmed sneaks up from behind and dumps it on her. Sure,
   we all saw it coming, but it was fun to watch.

   Gorilla Monsoon announces that Billy Gunn has been knocked cold, but they
   will defend the belts later in the show - or be stripped of them.

 - THE GOON vs."WILDMAN" MARC MERO (w/ Sable)
   The Goon is Bill Irwin dressed as a hockey player. A fair match, showing
   that Irwin is a passable brawler. Mero does a few of his moves, including
   the over-the-top-rope-flip and over-the-top-rope-into-the-ring-legdrop.
   The Goon at one point charges Mero on the floor, but slips on some of the
   birthday cake and hits the ring stairs. McMahon calls him for icing. (*ba-
   dum-bump*) Mero with the pin following the legdrop. Steve Austin was out
   for color commentary during the match and was an absolute riot! In talking
   about his IYH match against Mero he said "... what I did was open a can
   of whoop-ass and serve it to Marc Mero in front of several million people!"
   Jake "The Snake" Roberts called in and was torn to shreds by Austin and
   Jerry Lawler. "If you interrupt me like that again son... " says Austin
   to McMahon "... I'll come over there and knock those funny looking glasses
   off your head!"

 - Comments from Shawn and Ahmed. Shawn thanks Sunny for the cakes. We also
   see footage from a meeting between Gorilla Monsoon and Clarence Mason
   debating over tyhe entry into the WWF by some man that Mason is representing.
   At issue is his being accused of some crime. Hell, if being indicted kept
   you out of the WWF... (enter own joke here.) They showed the back of the
   guy. White with long black hair.

 - MANKIND vs. FREDDIE JOE FLOYD
   Floyd is Tracy Smothers. Mankind roughs him up a bit, then Mandible Claws
   him for the win. Brian Pillman approaches the ring as Mankind leaves.

 - GOLDUST (w/ Marlena) vs. BARRY HOROWITZ
   Marc Mero (in the lockerroom) comments on his match with Goldust coming
   up for SummerSlam. He accuses Goldust of having the infatuation with
   Sable, not Marlena. Pillman comments that Goldust is trying to add Sable
   to his stable, then says the fithiest thing I've ever heard on TV: "...
   though I'd like to see them go after each other's carpets... I mean
   jugulars... " good gawd! He also says he probably can't say anything about
   Horowitz without being labelled "anti-semitic." Probably true. He also
   gives the "Seven" line that he used at the Clash of the Champions.
   Goldust wins with the Curtain Call.

 - Comments from Sunny and the Gunns.

 - The Stridex Slam of the Week: Footage of Vader pinning Shawn.

 - Vince McMahon interviews Jim Cornette in the ring while Vader intimidates
   the camera. They then show the hilarious SummerSlam/Olympics parody promo.

 - SHAWN/AHMED vs. THE GUNNS (w/ Sunny)
   So-so match. Little in the way of high spots and bumps, but some good
   tag team action. I'm not the biggest fan of tag team wrestling, so I'm
   inclined to look down on them except in the rarest of cases. (Keep that
   in mind when I review WCW tag matches as well.) Shawn and Ahmed seem to\
   be about to gain the upper hand when Ahmed is dumped out of the ring
   (one of the Gunns pulls down the rope as Ahmed hits it.) Out of nowhere
   comes... Glacier! No wait, it's Ron Simmons in some kind of funky
   gladiator outfit. Man... has Simmons gotten fat! Big ass and all! It took
   me a second to recognize him. Lawler says that "looks like Ron Simmons,
   but it can't be... !" Show closes with officials trying to keep Simmons
   off Ahmed and Shawn off Simmons. It was a surprise all right... a surprise
   at how big Simmons' ass is nowdays.

 - Next week's main event: Austin vs. Undertaker. Mero vs. Vader.

Comments: The crowd was peppered with "ECW" and "Sabu" signs. An okay show,
but I had hoped for more of a bang. At least the upcoming taped shows would
appear to hold a few surprises in store.


Bottom line: It looks like the WWF did an okay PPV, with SummerSlam shaping
up to be very promising. I'm kinda mixed about Hog Wild. There looks to
be a few good matches (Malenko/Benoit and Misterio/?) but the rest looks
shaky. Hogan?Giant sucked before - there's no reason it won't again. Nash/
Hall vs. Luger/Sting looks to be the vehicle by which they will introduce
the 4th member of the NWO. In any case, both feds are improving and setting
up some interesting stuff, I'm just really surprised how lame Nitro was this
week.

This week's winner: RAW.


JRP