Slobberknocker Central Monday Night Recap #211 November 29th, 1999 The Opening Word: Looks like Mick Foley's in-ring career in the WWF is just about at an end. Piecing the story together, it seems Foley planned on announcing, a few weeks ago on WWF TV, that he would be retiring soon. He actually made the announcement official during an interview on "Off the Record" in Canada during a show taped two weeks ago. The show aired this week. By this time Foley was supposed to have already made the announcement on RAW. As it turned out, the WWF talked Foley into reconsidering the announcement, especially in light of their loss of Steve Austin from the active duty roster. Mick has now decided that he will probably not officially announce the retirement. He will instead continue to perform in the same capacity he's done the last several weeks. He'll then take some time off, and perhaps then come back, going the Terry Funk route and coming back for the occasional special match. He won't be "coming out of retirement", though, because they won't actually say he's retired. This hits the WWF at a particularly hard time, as the loss of Steve Austin has also become a reality. Austin will undergo surgery to remove a bone spur that is rubbing up against his spinal column. He will spend upwards of six weeks in a back brace, and the entire rehab time is expected to last somewhere between three and six months. It's not all bad news for Austin, though, as the most recent prognosis for him is that if he successfully rehabs after the surgery, there's nothing stopping him from returning to the ring. It is safe to assume, however, that Austin will never return to a full-time wrestling schedule. As is the WWF didn't already have problems on other fronts. Complaints from special interest groups have led to a number of high profile companies pulling advertising from SmackDown! Coca Cola, AT&T, M&M/Mars, General Motors and the U.S. Army are among those who have pulled out of deals with the WWF. This got major play in the media, which drove down the value of the WWF's stock. The WWF, in an effort to appease advertisers, has announced that they will tone down the content of SmackDown! Having already replaced those sponsors who left with new ones, the WWF has to hope this will all blow over soon, as the only impact on the company now comes on the P.R. front (which would continue to affect their stock price). A number of the departing sponsors have admitted that if the WWF does "clean up its act" then they may come back. Coca Cola is probably gone for good, though. Things aren't all bad for the WWF. The Undertaker and Ken Shamrock, both out with injuries the last few months, should be back on TV in the next several weeks. The company also has a slew of new talent waiting to be brought in, highlighted by Taz, who will be making his WWF debut in the very near future. WCW is having its own share of talent problems of late. Torrie Wilson and Symphony are said to be almost gone from the company. Both want more money than WCW is willing to pay. Randy Savage, unless he's working the boys in the lockerroom, is said to be eyeing a jump to the WWF early next year (with Gorgeous George following close behind). Very recently there's talk that both Eric Bischoff and Diamond Dallas Page are trying to get out of their WCW contracts to go to the WWF. Assuming that last one isn't just a bit of goofy Internet fiction, and excluding Symphony (who, as "Ryan Shamrock", left the WWF recently on poor terms), any of these people jumping to the WWF would be a huge development. The only talent even rumored to be thinking of going the other way is D-Lo Brown, though as the story continues to develop it looks like there isn't much chance (if any) of it happening. Mark Madden started the ball rolling by saying D-Lo, a good friend of Vince Russo's, was going to come to WCW in January when his current WWF contract expired. Jim Ross (who handles the contract negotiations in the WWF) squashed the rumor by saying there was a year-and-a-half left on D-Lo's contract. Madden countered by saying D-Lo would exercise an out in his contract by not okaying a "roll-over" early next year, and would then come to WCW. Ross, in his latest WWF website column, sticks by his guns, saying D-Lo has no plans to go. There was a story floating around that the Rock was going to WCW, but that's apparently an instance of something "Mean" Gene Okerlund said somewhere being taken out of context. The Rock has something like four years left on his WWF contract. On a similar note, there are all kinds of stories that Hulk Hogan is headed to the WWF. These have stemmed from the low-key build Hogan is doing for the storyline that will eventually see him return to WCW. And on the "truth is stranger than fiction" front, Dusty Rhodes just showed up in ECW. How weird is that?! It's hard to imagine WCW okaying such a move, so those stories of Dusty leaving WCW a few weeks back must have been legit. ECW hopes to make further waves by bringing in Shawn Michaels in the near future. Michaels would like to do a (non-wrestling) storyline with his buddy Justin Credible. He'd also like to bring some of his wrestling school students with him, to give them some exposure. ECW is supposedly all for bringing Michaels in. The only thing holding it up is the pending approval of the WWF. Michaels is still under a WWF contract, being paid something like $15,000 a week. The WWF is desperate to think up some way to get a return on that money. The WWF/ECW relationship seems to be clicking as of late, so the chances of Michaels showing up there sometime soon is probably better than okay. Well, I think that about covers everything. On to this week's shows ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WCW Monday Nitro: Live/Taped: Live. Length: Three Hours+. Location: Denver, Colorado. HOUR ONE Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - In Memory Of Hiro Matsuda. 1937-1999. - Goldberg kills a sizable chunk of the hour making his long walk to the ring. He has the Outsiders on the brain. He and Kevin Nash hook up in tonight's main event. If Scott Hall interferes, he's NEXT. Cue the Outsiders, who come out and try to act cool. Fast forward to the inevitable brawl, which sees Sid Vicious come out to even up the numbers. It's disturbing to see two grown men like Goldberg and Sid hug. Schiavone runs down tonight's matches, which include a mud wrestling match. Given the WWF just did one of these the previous Thursday (with gravy instead of mud), this doesn't exactly come off as inspired booking on WCW's part. Well, obviously they were "inspired", so to speak ... "Rowdy" Roddy Piper's limo arrives at the building. A second limo disgorges what looks like Rhonda Singh (Bertha Faye in the WWF) and Patti Stonegrinder (Leilani Kai in the WWF). There's Lex Luger. - A Sting video turns out to be a promo for the WCW Mayhem album. - Those Mafia Guys are promising someone over the phone that they will take care of Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux tonight. Since when does it take the Mob so long to whack someone? - BUFF BAGWELL/BOOKER T. vs. CREATIVE CONTROL (w/ Curt Hennig) In what is rapidly becoming a routine you can set your watches by, CC get the quick win, only to then have the lights go out. Midnight kicks their asses. The Powers That Be Russo talks some smack about Jushin Thunder Liger. If Juventud Guerrera can beat him for his IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title, the PTB will take care of Juvi's visa problems. Lex Luger and Liz have a confrontation regarding her breaching her contract with Luger. Piper's being kept waiting to see the PTB. Rhonda and Patti prepare ... for a match? Where did these two come from, why are they here, and why are we watching them? I once formulated the theory, with these "Crash TV" bits, that there are lone cameramen roving around the building, searching for interesting things to film. Considering that WCW has about two-thirds of all the most recognizable wrestling talent in the world, are they seriously telling use THESE TWO are the most interesting people to show right now? I guess the idea is that this is such an unusual scene that it will pique our interest, making us stick around to get the answers to the questions I threw out above. Me, I just began to wonder what was showing on other channels. - The Artists Soon To Be Formerly Known As "Symphony" receives flowers, sent by the Maestro. If Maestro isn't wrestling tonight then why is he (and Symphony) in the building? Mike Tenay interviews Jeff Jarrett. "Splanuts" ... yadda yadda yadda. Jarrett floors Tenay with the guitar. Any chance this'll lead to Scott Hudson coming back? - Brian Knobbs is out to grouse about losing to Norman Smiley at the PPV. He challenges Smiley to a rematch. Smiley, backstage, protests that he doesn't have his wrestling gear. He then squeaks and hides under a table as Fit Finlay passes. Finlay hits the ring and beats up Knobbs with a bag of kendo sticks. He also cuts some of his hair off with scissors. Is this supposed to make Finlay feel better over Knobbs maybe crippling him for life? The Mob Guys invite "Mean" Gene Okerlund out explore the Denver night life. Great, a running gag. The PTB, as usual, is complaining about Creative Control getting beaten by a woman again. Hennig says he could handle her. The PTB calls him on that, making it a match for later tonight. - Rhonda Fat and Patti Notsofat continue to prepare. Piper is "acting", talking to himself about the "Powers To Be". - JUSHIN THUNDER LIGER vs. JUVENTUD GUERRERA Before the workrate freaks can even slip a hand into their pants, Brad "Buzzkill" Armstrong comes out to ruin the match with his color commentary. What an appropriate name. The match itself isn't much, as just a few moves in Juvi tries a dive to the floor and Liger fails to catch him. Juvi screws up his arm/elbow, pretty much killing the match. Buzzkill distracts the referee, allowing Juvi to smash a bottle of tequila over Liger's head. The announcers ignored most everything that happened in this match, including the fact that Guerrera is now the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Champion. With Mike Tenay down, and Okerlund off doing ... whatever, that leaves Chavo Guerrero as our backstage interviewer. Chavo gets words from "Dr. Death" Steve Williams and Oklahoma. Symphony gets candy from the Maestro. There's Sid Vicious. - The Mob Guys and Okerlund are at one of those strip joints where the women don't take off any clothes. If there's any humor here, I'm failing to spot it. - Chavo, who is also hyping imaginary products and a fictitious phone number ("555-DEAL"), gets comments from the Outsiders. Hall expresses disappointment with being the Television Champion (having not gotten any TV dinners, met any TV stars, etc.) Nash takes the belt from him and the two play a little 1-on-1. End result: the belt winds up in the trash. If "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan doesn't pull this out later in the show I'll be sorely disappointed. WCW claims there were too many titles to keep track of. Funny that they would dump a belt with this much history, yet keep a title such as the Cruiserweight belt, which is only two years old and currently has zero credibility. Or what about the Hardcore Title, which they only just created two weeks ago. - The Revolution come to the ring. In a really dumb bit, they claim they are cutting their ties to the United States because fans chanted for Chris Benoit last week (which isn't exactly true, as the fans, inexplicably, chanted "U-S-A!" during the "Flag Match"). They give themselves "cool" nicknames such as "the Python", "the Rattler" and "Trouser" ("the most sought after snake in the world!"--sayeth the now retarded Saturn). Out comes "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan (no TV belt--damn!) waving his 2X4. He clobbers Saturn--AND THE "WOODEN" BOARD BENDS! It's shaped like a hockey stick as he takes a swing at Asya. Now it's got two bends in it. Dean Malenko grabs the board and it twists like a rag. The "2X4" is dropped, and the thing actually floats to the mat like a balloon! I swear, this made me laugh the laugh of a man who sees a hated enemy fall upon the ice and crack their head open like a melon. Duggan is laid out and they plant a flagpole in his ass, assuming the "Marines raising the flag" pose. Chris Benoit comes out for the save. There's Sid Vicious. There's the Outsiders. The PTB is ready to see Piper. Chavo interviews Jerry Flynn. Well, at least Jerry didn't say "f**k" into the camera this time. Piper tells Curt Hennig that he has to take a "Vince Russo" before he'll see the PTB. God, how I wish that was a shoot. HOUR TWO Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - SCOTT HALL vs. SID VICIOUS This is our first of THREE (alleged) main events. Ref bump ... Nash comes in ... Jarrett comes in ... Hall gets the pin. Goldberg comes in for the save, leading to he and Sid making out again. Piper, "acting", is led to the PTB. There's Steve Williams & Oklahoma. - Okerlund is having a ball at the gentlemen's club. This is starting to remind me of those old SNME skits with Okerlund, Heenan and Lord Alfred Hayes. Piper is informed that he will be refereeing the mud match between Rhonda and Patti. In the cafeteria two of the Nitro Girls get into another one of those fights which hold little interest because 1) no skin is revealed, 2) they can't fight, and 3) they can barely keep from laughing. Patti, looking on and laughing, starts choking on a piece of food. Juventud Guerrera comes out of nowhere and gives her the Heimlich Maneuver. It's hard to look at this setup and not be reminded of the food fight the WWF just did on SmackDown! four nights earlier. Juvi calls for an ambulance. Back at the announce desk Schiavone and Heenan seem callously unconcerned that a woman is dying backstage. - "DR. DEATH" STEVE WILLIAMS vs. JERRY ONLY (w/ Vampiro & the Misfits) Only is one of the Misfits, and can't wrestle to save his life. He actually blows a whip into the ropes! Oklahoma is attacked by Vampiro & the Misfits, and his BBQ sauce is poured on him. Williams has the match easily won, but he throws Only at the cage door. Did I mention this was in a steel cage? Anyway, even though the door has already been opened, Williams whips him at the door. Only clumsily executes the move where he hits the door and falls out, winning the match. This was the worst match I've seen since the "Kennel From Hell" PPV match. I hear that Only was busted open when he hit the cage door, requiring stitches. How many people does that make it that Williams has injured since returning to WCW? Four? Five? I've lost track. Juvi tells Russo that he saved that fat broad's life. Russo is disgusted that Juvi gave that pig mouth-to-mouth. I guess the point of this is to inform Russo that he's a woman short for an upcoming match. Lex Luger sees this on TV, and a light bulb goes off over his head. (Not literally, though it would have been par for the course of this show if it had.) - Chavo interviews Bret Hart, and plugs his merchandise. Hart faces Meng tonight in main event #2. - BRET "HITMAN" HART vs. MENG There's going to be quite a lull between this and the eventual real "main event". The match: Hall comes out ... ref bump ... Nash comes out ... Benoit comes out ... Sharpshooter scores the win for Hart. Symphony. Delivery man. Teddy bear. Not entertaining. Luger wants to see the PTB. Chavo ("555-DEAL") interviews Tygress. Spice shows up and a non-catfight ensues. Spice gets my vote as the WORST woman to ever get physically involved in wrestling. Madusa's making out in a darkened room with Evan Karagias. I think I'm going to be sick. No, really. This show feels like it's been on for six hours already. Madusa wants a shot at the Cruiserweight belt at Starrcade. How? Why? Who cares? Luger suggests to the PTB that they substitute Liz for the woman who choked. Convenient. Now Chavo's selling and interviewing Sting. Liz comes along for help, but Sting reverts back to being an asshole and brushes her off. - CHRIS BENOIT vs. JEFF JARRETT vs. STING Not a main event, but good enough to be one anyway, we should believe. The winner here gets a title shot after Starrcade. The match: Liz comes in ... Luger comes in ... Sting hit with chair ... Dustin Rhodes comes in ... Jarrett knocked out ... referee misses everything ... Benoit gets the pin. "Mean" Gene is dancing. This show stinks. There's Kevin Nash. - Symphony, ready to hook up with the Maestro, finds him seated at his piano. Oops--not him, it's David Flair wearing a wig, Flair pounds on the keys, unable to get the piano to make any music. He orders Symphony to open the piano. Inside she finds the bound, gagged, lifeless body of the Maestro. HOUR THREE Hosted By: Tony Schiavone and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan. - GOLDBERG vs. KEVIN NASH Why is our third main event coming with an hour left in the show? Backstage Hall tries to sneak up on Goldberg's lockerroom. Goldberg's security detail just stands there, ignoring him (just as they did last week when Curt Hennig attacked Goldberg backstage before their match). Poor Hall, Goldberg somehow had a psychic flash that this would happen, and instead wasn't in his dressing room, he was somewhere else, and he attacks Hall from behind. Nash joins in the fight. Sid, locked in his dressing room (huh?), busts down the door and joins in. Early in the show they made a big deal about how tonight's three main events had to have winners--no DQ's or countouts. Of course that didn't stop them from having numerous run-ins, ref bumps, etc. Once they finally get to the ring Hall starts flooring people with a chair (including the ref). Hart comes out to chase Hall off. Spear. Jackhammer. Goldberg wins. There's Roddy Piper. Chavo tries to hawk some more junk, but is cut off by the Outsiders. Nash proposes a ridiculously convoluted main event (ah-hah) featuring he & Hall versus Goldberg & Sid versus Hart & Benoit in a steel cage. - RHONDA SINGH vs. LIZ No match. Liz refuses to come out, even though Luger tells her she's in breach of contract. Rhonda dumps Piper in the mud, then Piper does the same to Creative Control, who had come out to watch. I think Piper declares himself the winner. We all, on the other hand, are the losers. The two Mob Guys have hooked up with some hotties at the night club, and are going to make spaghetti for them. There's Arn Anderson. - PTB chews out Creative Control. Where have we seen this before? Oh yeah ... EARLIER THIS SHOW! Arn Anderson comes in, wanting to know why he was fired. Some shoot-ish comments fly about how everyone who's come in to run this company has spurned the suggestions of the WRESTLING people already there. Hennig introduces a bit of continuity by bringing up the "my spot" line. A Chavo interview with Sky (Skye?) leads to our third lame Nitro Girl catfight of the night. - JERRY FLYNN Vs. THE WALL Nope, not a "Boiler Room Brawl". It's in the boiler room, mind you, as Schiavone actually points out a boiler at one point, but it's not a "Boiler Room Brawl". Berlyn's crappy low framerate intro technique is used to film the "match", making it a headache to watch. Punch ... kick ... throw the man into the wall ... punch ... kick ... throw the man into the boiler. Berlyn arrives and nails Flynn with a pipe. The Wall then grabs the pipe and chases Berlyn away. No ref, no winner, no match. The live crowd could be heard booing loudly all through this (and why not, there's only been a few minutes of in-ring action tonight). Chavo interviews Muddy Piper. Piper chews out Chavo for buckling under the PTB pressure. The Outsiders then happen by and Piper lets his fist do his talking. There's Curt Hennig. Curly Bill (Vincent) runs up and asks Hennig for a job. Luger's getting chewed out by the PTB for Liz not going in the mud. Luger guarantees that Liz will get dirty before the night is through. - CURT HENNIG vs. MIDNIGHT Midnight surprises me by being fairly sound in the ring. The match takes a weird turn when Hennig slaps on an abdominal stretch and starts smacking her right in the breast! The lights then go out and Stevie Ray appears. *Groan!* Lights out ... Curly Bill. Lights out ... Arn Anderson. Is that the Four Horsemen theme playing? There's Lex Luger, with Liz hoisted over his shoulder. - The spaghetti is ready, but the club girls want to tie up the Mob Guys first. NITRO IS PORN! After they're tied down on the bed (in their underwear), Disco Inferno and Lash LeRoux come in and pour the spaghetti all over them. Larry Walker is in the crowd. Who? - Luger dumps Liz in the mud. Sting then comes out and dumps Luger in the mud. Oh yeah, this was much better than an actual mud wrestling match. There's Bret Hart & Chris Benoit. There's the Outsiders. There's Sid Vicious & Goldberg. One last look at the Mob Guys. "Hey Vito, you think the boss is gonna be mad at me for this one?" Why doesn't the guy filming this put that camera down and untie them? (Must be the same jerk who left Ric Flair lying in that field after then NWO beat the crap out of him.) - THE OUTSIDERS vs. GOLDBERG/SID vs. BRET HART/CHRIS BENOIT Nobody looks like they know how to do this kind of match (or even that they want to be there), and some spend a lot of time (particularly Nash) just standing around doing nothing. Roddy Piper is the referee, for those keeping track. All this star power is to keep fans from watching the wedding on RAW. Didn't work. Jeff Jarrett comes in with a cart full of guitars. Piper and Goldberg go down. Hart is handcuffed to the cage. Benoit does his headbutt off the top of the cage onto Hall and gets the pin. (Nash, you lazy bastard.) Benoit takes a guitar shot. Goldberg then tosses Jarrett into the cage wall, which partially breaks. Goldberg throws him again, so it looks like the cage break was supposed to happen. The fighting goes on and on, trying to keep up with the overrunning RAW. The heels all hit their finishers, leaving the good guys laid out in the cage. - This Thursday: Nothing announced. - Next week: Nothing announced. Comments: A mildly entertaining show this week, but trust me, I don't say that in a complimentary way. This show was one of the biggest train wrecks I can remember seeing. Nothing seemed to go right. Segment after segment of lame jokes, bad angles and uninspired matches. I gave up after the first hour, deciding to save the rest of the show for the replay and later viewing on tape. Let's see, where to begin ... I read that Russo interview on WrestleLine last week where he kept saying everything in WCW happens because of logic. Yet watching this show, I couldn't help but be struck by how illogical so much of it was. Most illogical of all are the continuing actions of the Powers That Be. First off, why call them "Powers That Be" when we've clearly seen (and heard) that it's just one guy? Shouldn't he be the "Power That Is" (and boy, how dumb would that sound?) I don't suppose they'll come out and admit that the other half of the Powers That Be is the guy playing "Oklahoma", will they? And why can't people get on the same page, with the likes of Roddy Piper continually calling them "Powers *TO* Be"? "Powers To Be" means something that isn't there yet, a power that is yet to come. I'm not just nitpicking diction here, the two terms have completely different meanings! What's with booking a mud match between Bertha Faye and Patti Stonegrinder? Who the hell would want to watch that?! That's what the Powers That Be think draw ratings? Was that godawful match supposed to be Piper's punishment? Convenient that that match would be scrapped, allowing Lex Luger to substitute Elizabeth into the match. Then she bailed, so Piper wound up tussling in the mud with Faye and Creative Control. Later it was Liz, Luger and Sting. Seemingly missed by WCW's genius writers is the fact that they STILL DIDN'T DELIVER A FRIGGIN' MATCH IN THE MUD! Rule #1: don't do a T&A gimmick match if you aren't going to deliver any T&A. How impotent do the Powers That Be look considering they still can't keep Roddy Piper, Harlem Heat, Midnight and Buff Bagwell in line? The only thing they've succeeded in doing is turning Curt Hennig heel, and hell--he'd only been a babyface for two weeks anyway. We see the Powers That Be a dozen times a week, and half of those times he's chewing out Creative Control and Hennig for screwing up. And what about those Chavo Guerrero segments? How stupid are we supposed to be to believe that "555-DEAL" is a real phone number, and that Chavo's making money selling these "products" (none of which were shown on TV). I give Chavo credit, he's pretty good behind the mic, but after the second or third clip it became like fingernails on a blackboard. If the number's fake, then the products don't exist. And if the products don't exist, then someone wrote lines for him to say. And if those lines just happen to mesh perfectly with the interviews he conducted, then those interviews must be pre-written too. Why not just come out and yell "WRESTLING'S FAKE!" Rule #2: don't pass off "parody" as "reality". Which sums up my thoughts on "Oklahoma" this week. Either take your petty shots at Jim Ross, or be a player, because you can't be both and be taken seriously. I sure hope this week was the end of it, because Ferrara himself delivered the punchline to the whole "joke". "Why do you say everything three times?" "Because that's my gimmick." Okay, we GET IT! The dead horse is officially being flogged. Just because Ed Ferrara has a bug up his ass about Jim Ross doesn't mean we all have to have this inflicted on us each week. Move on to the business of making the new company you work for better, rather than continually airing your dirty laundry with your old employers. I honestly can't think of a single thing to praise the show for this week, save for repeating my claim that I was greatly amused by it all ... in the same way one laughs at a bad movie where the actors screw up their lines, the boom mic keeps bobbing into view, and the UFO's are really pie plates hanging on strings. It's so bad it's good. Well, not good ... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- WWF RAW is WAR: Live/Taped: Live. Length: Two Hours+. Location: Los Angeles, California. WWF RAW Hosted By: Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. - THE BIG SHOW/KANE (w/ Tori) vs. THE BIG BOSSMAN/VISCERA The match: the Bossman runs from the Big Show ... X-Pac runs in ... Prince Albert runs in ... Viscera splashes Kane ... 1 ... 2 ... 3. Video package hyping Stephanie & Test's wedding. D-Generation X is out to raise some heck. Long story short, Triple H reminds us what a monster Vince McMahon is. He says there will be no wedding tonight. Vince comes out and orders Triple H to wrestle Test later tonight. The New Age outlaws and X-Pac must also face the Rock, Mankind and a partner of their choosing. McMahon adds that if anyone who isn't a McMahon family member comes anywhere near the wedding tonight, he'll fire their asses. Al Snow, who hasn't been too impressed with the Rock lately, tells Head he'll be the Rock and Mankind's partner. - EDGE (w/ Christian) vs. MATT HARDY (w/ Jeff Hardy & Terri Runnels) Edge and Matt have a good match going, but Christian and Jeff wind up getting involved. Edge with the spear and the pin, which we have to watch on Tinyvision(tm) because they goof up and show a split-screen replay of a previous high spot just as Edge gets the pin. Stephanie and her girlfriends are whooping it up at a bachelorette party in Las Vegas. Moolah and Mae Young are there too, dammit. - Chyna comes down to the ring and says she's ready to give Chris Jericho a shot at the Intercontinental Title ... tonight. Jericho comes out and says he can't do it, he's still suffering from the effects of the hammer shot Chyna gave him the week before. Jericho says he just gave her a love tap, and that she had no right to do to him what she did. Chris is getting a little hot here, so Miss Kitty comes out and blasts him with a fire extinguisher. I sure hope the WWF notices that the fans are booing Chyna, and making Jericho the face here. More bachelorette party fun. There ought to be a male stripper coming along any minute now. "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Ivory are on the latest cover of "Entertainment Weekly". You know, I used to have a subscription to that about six or seven years ago. A whole year and pro-wrestling wasn't mentioned once. Now, a week doesn't go by that they aren't mentioning wrestling in some form or another. I only mention this because in the course of moving this week I came across the box with all the issues in it. - THE GODFATHER (w/ Ho's) vs. STEVE BLACKMAN Blackman gets a quick pin on the Godfather, which seems shocking, until I realize they're trying to build up Blackman a bit so it looks more credible when Kurt Angle squashes him at the PPV. Or something. Faarooq & Bradshaw are going at it, in a game of poker, against the Dudley Boyz. Don't these guys hate each other? And why are we seeing this? Some "your mama!" jokes are tossed about. More from the bachelorette party. Not much to report in these clips--just Mae Young getting drunk. - Snow tells Mankind that he wants to be his partner tonight. Mankind says he'll put in a good word for him. Snow says he hates the Rock. - THE HOLLYS vs. TOO COOL (w/ Rikishi Fatu) Hardcore Holly never tags in, and as a result Crash is quickly squashed. A post-match attack by Hardcore goes nowhere. Cue the big-ass dance number. Yup, there's the male stripper. Oh God, Mae and Moolah just abducted him! I think a part of my brain just melted. There's Test. There's Triple H. WWF WAR ZONE Hosted By: Jim Ross and Jerry "The King" Lawler. - TRIPLE H vs. TEST This is Vince's wedding present to Test? What a cheapskate! The referee is wearing gloves and a Vince McMahon mask. My brother, who must have been on crack, was convinced for a few minutes it was Taz. Me, I figured it was Pat Patterson, if not McMahon himself. Of course Vince isn't supposed to come within 50 feet of Triple H. This is the longest match of the night for either show--much too long for me to go over and still finish before the next RAW airs. Patterson & Brisco are shown watching the match backstage, and supposedly talking to Vince (who is off camera). The ref shows favoritism to Test, and winds up getting nailed by Triple H for his troubles. Shane McMahon comes out to nail Triple H with a chair. Test lands the big elbow off the top and score the pin. The ref runs away before Triple H can come to. When he does, he has a smile on his face, figuring McMahon is busted for breaking the protection order filed against him. Moolah and Mae Young are back, having taken that male stripper to the promised land. Excuse me for a moment ... *BBBLLLLEEEAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH! HUURRRK--BLURRRGH! HHOOOOOONNNNKKKK!* The bartender gives Stephanie one last drink, which she reluctantly tosses back. - Triple H orders some cops to arrest McMahon for breaking the protection order. - Michael Cole is out to intro a clip from SmackDown! featuring the "Gravy Bowl Match"--the finale to which saw Ivory attack that blonde EMT that's been popping up for months. Named "Barbara Bush", she comes out and demands an "Evening Gown Match" with Ivory. Ivory then comes out and rips on "B.B.", then rips her shirt off. Hoo-hah! Even Jim Ross can't help but notice she has really, really large breasts. Vince denies being the referee under the mask. Brisco & Patterson vouch for him. Say, isn't Vince's hair rather ruffled? Linda McMahon and the bridesmaids are getting ready. - VAL VENIS vs. KURT ANGLE Interference from the British Bulldog leads to Angle landing his Samoan Slam variation (or whatever it is) and scoring the pin. Venis and the Bulldog have a date at the Armageddon PPV, the European Title on the line. Test's groomsmen, including Edge and the Hardyz, get suited up for the wedding. Mankind is chuckling as Al Snow complains about the Rock. Of course the Rock is right there, standing behind Snow. Snow can only stand there and take it as the Rock unleashes his catchphrases on him. - THE ROCK & SOCK CONNECTION/??? vs. D-GENERATION X Kane gets the nod as the mystery partner, Snow having blown it with the Rock. Things are going along smoothly in the match until Snow comes out, intent on helping Mankind get the win. Road Dogg is introduced to Head, the hard way, and a DQ results. Mankind can only look on sadly as the Rock teaches Snow not to interfere in his matches, giving him the People's Elbow. Back to the poker game between the Acolytes and Dudleyz, started at the top of the show then practically forgotten. Somehow they manage to work a jab on the Public Enemy into things. Stephanie in her wedding gown blows away the bridesmaids (they see her--we can't). - Test, the Stooges and McMahon men prepare for the wedding. Buh Buh Ray Dudley, betting everything he and D-Von have on them, wins (and thus loses) the last hand of the poker game with six aces. Cue the donnybrook. I wonder how much that ad in "USA Today" cost the WWF? A quick look at D-X, who seem to cooking up a scheme of sorts. - It's wedding time, as the ring has been converted to an altar. Flowers line the aisle. The various groomsmen (including Shawn Stasiak, D-Lo Brown and the Stooges) accompany the bridesmaids to the ring. (Patterson coming out with Mae Young is just SO perfect.) Shane comes out with Linda, followed by Vince and Stephanie. The ceremony begins. The camera work here is incredible, giving things a 100% legitimate feel. The crowd gets a bit antsy as a duet is sung by a pair of singers up on the stage. Damn, this thing looks real. The ceremony continues, with the minister coming to the "speak now or forever hold your piece" line. The buzz running through the crowd is electric, as they're expecting something to happen. Nothing does. Are they going to swerve us and actually marry these two off? Nope, as moments later out comes Triple H. Triple H brings up what Vince said about only McMahon family members coming near the wedding. A video is cued on the Titan-Tron ... Triple H is cruising along the strip in Vegas, talking to someone unseen in the front seat, and someone else filming in the back seat. Various local landmarks are pointed out--not all of the "family entertainment" variety. This running travelogue takes us to the Little White Wedding Chapel, the home of quickie Vegas marriages. Triple H, scanning the ceremonies available, opts for the $40 cheapie. He hands a marriage license to the lady running the show. Panning over, we finally see it's STEPHANIE MCMAHON, passed out in the passenger's seat. A wedding ceremony is conducted, with the lady either not noticing or caring that Steph is out cold, and Triple H is the one saying the vows or her. This must be how Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra got married. Anyway, the cameraman, who turns out to be that sneaky bartender at Stephanie's bachelorette party, hooks a bunch of tin cans to the car's rear bumper. The license plate reads "Just Married", as Triple H tears off down the Vegas strip. "I hate you!" yells Stephanie. Vince, Shane and Test are about ready to explode. The fans are going nuts, giving Triple H what can only be interpreted as a fairly big babyface reaction. "I know that you can only have one question on your mind ... DAD ... and that is ... not *did* we, but *how many times* did we CONSUMATE the marriage?!" We've run about twelve minutes over as the show ends, Stephanie an emotional wreck in her father's arms. - This Thursday: Nothing announced. - Next week: Nothing announced. Comments: I was a bit disappointed, though with all the buildup I was expecting something like the Undertaker and an army of druids to come in and whisk Stephanie away, she already being betrothed to the Man from the Darkside. Odds were that Triple H would spoil the wedding, though I don't think anyone saw this coming. I thought it worked. I know a lot of people were hung up on the details of Triple H's marriage to Stephanie, saying it could never happen like that. The funny thing is most reaction I've seen along those lines have taken this way too seriously, as if the two were actually married and all. Relax, I say. Sure it's a bogus marriage, and were this real life I'm sure Stephanie would have no problems getting the marriage annulled. That could take time, though--time enough for Triple H to be a major pain-in-the-ass to the McMahon family before things get settled in his match against Vince at Armageddon. We could, of course, be in store for a major swerve if Stephanie turns on her family and helps Triple H win the PPV match. That would close off the wedding angle loopholes, and lead to one damn hot storyline taking us into the new year. A memorable angle and show. The stuff besides the wedding was just enough to keep people interested and hanging around until the ceremony. I could have done with one or two fewer bachelorette clips, but I guess, in retrospect, they were necessary to set up the bartender slipping Stephanie the drugged drink. I can't believe some people are taking Triple H's last line as another "rape angle". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bottom Line: I've said before that Nitro now looks like RAW. This week I can no longer stand by that observation. In execution it slightly resembles the formula RAW used to employ (and is slowly evolving away from). In most respects, though, Nitro is starting to look like some bizarre cartoon, reaching levels of campiness even the WWF of the 80's wouldn't aspire to. Maybe there is some things to praise in WCW, but I think that's mostly giving them credit for dropping a lot of the stuff that sucked before Russo & Ferrara came along. Unfortunately they've replaced such things with other stuff that sucks just as much. Maybe more. The sad thing is there is a lot of potential there in WCW. They've got two or three times the wrestling talent the WWF has. Save for Austin and the Rock, WCW has all the biggest names in wrestling (and the WWF doesn't even really have Austin anymore). Russo & Ferrara have come in and made changes which could have made WCW better. There's even hope on the horizon in that Nitro will probably go back to two hours early next year, while Thunder will become an important show again by being taped on Tuesdays, and aired on Wednesdays (no longer up against SmackDown!) Until that happens, though, we have to take what we can get, and if it's going to be shows like the one this week, I'd rather pass, thank you very much. Explain to me what I'm supposed to like about the show as it is now? What is it I'm supposed to be seeing that will make me interested enough to stick around three whole hours, and buy that PPV once a month? Fully clothed Nitro Girls laughing as they pretend to fight? Chavo Guerrero selling Amway? Roddy Piper doing the same damned thing he's done the last two years in the fight against the NWO? WCW's biggest selling point right now is that weird and unpredictable things happen to the wrestlers we care the least about. Maybe what I'm really asking, both in a rhetorical sense, and to WCW were it possible to ask someone there, is where the hell is the drama? Where's the emotion. What am I supposed to care about? You know, as much as I like Bret Hart, it's not as if he's actually doing anything these days. He just comes out and plays "Generic Good Guy Champion" each week. "Generic" pretty much describes the whole bunch of WCW's main eventers right now. The Good Guys are all back-patting buddies, while the Bad Guys (both of 'em: Hall & Nash) are left to be the driving force of all the storylines. The problem is neither one wants to be booed, so they pass themselves off as aging hipster rebels, too cool to actually expend any effort in being Bad Guys. Who cares if it's Hall versus Sid or Nash versus Goldberg, it's not as if the matches mean anything anymore. The closest thing to a storyline involving this group is Sid's recent face turn, which came about because Hall & Nash, against all common sense, went out of their way to piss Sid off. Does no one realize that the booking involving these guys is barely any different than that from when Nash was head booker a few months back, when he, Hogan, Sid, Sting and Savage were all aimlessly feuding against one another? There isn't a single issue between any of these men any more compelling than "I'm Good, you're Bad--let's fight!" The irony of the whole situation right now is that the WWF isn't exactly knocking the ball out of the park anymore. Losing the Undertaker, Steve Austin, and now Mick Foley has put them in a serious crunch for main event talent. Losing Russo & Ferrara, as well as some others, hit the WWF on the creative front, and forced the company to coast as they adjusted to the absences. And now there's this business with losing sponsors and fending off the attacks of special interest groups. The WWF has definitely had their hands full lately, and the on-camera product has suffered because of it. Yet even in their current state, the WWF is immeasurably more interesting and popular than WCW. This isn't just blindly biased fans showing continuing brand loyalty to the company of their choice. Out there, in the real world, the WWF is still the talk of the wrestling business. WCW is a distant second, improved from the darkest depths of the Kevin Nash booking era, but still doing not much better than before Eric Bischoff handed the book over to Nash. I like the WWF more than WCW, so obviously I'm not going to root for them to pass the WWF up. What I do want to see, however, is WCW get better than it is now. I just don't see Jim Duggan beating up people with rubber 2X4's, and Steve Williams injuring people in the ring each week, being the keys to that coming about. I don't think Russo understands that it was the great drama of the main event storylines which put the WWF where it is today. The "Crash TV" style, the T&A, the shock elements, the comedy bits, they all came together to push the WWF to new heights, but it was the big main event drama which served as the foundation. Thus far Russo hasn't done anything to create that kind of foundational storyline in WCW. Is Hart fighting Goldberg at Starrcade? You wouldn't know it from watching this show. Mere weeks to go until the PPV and WCW has yet to do anything to set that match up. Other matches that they've announced for the PPV are just slight variations of what we've been seeing on TV. I've no doubt Russo has some kind of storyline in mind, I'm just not the least bit convinced it'll be all that good. A return by Hogan or Ric Flair to battle the Powers That Be will be lame, because the PTB haven't been established as any real threat yet. A major heel turn might work, but who do you turn? Do you dare turn Goldberg--the most over guy in the company? Bret Hart, who the fans only moderately care about? Chris Benoit might be an interesting choice (he did win that post-Starrcade titleshot this week), but can you build the company on the back of a heel Benoit? I almost feel bad for WCW, because I feel almost as lost as they are in figuring out what to do to turn the company around. All I know is that I watch what they do, and increasingly I see it's not what I like. They don't look like the WCW that was pretty good back in 1996. They don't look like the WWF that's been really good for much of the last year. Hell, they don't even look like the ECW which I thought was so awesome back in 1995. You'd almost have to say they've created something entirely new, except that upon close examination it's really just a mish-mash of a number of ideas used before (sometimes by Russo himself) and recycled. And the stuff that is original, well ... just because something is original doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Russo may have made a critical error by passing himself of as the "Powers That Be", and acknowledging his WWF past. In doing so, and so firmly tying in a lot of what they do to the WWF, they've firmly planted themselves in the WWF's shadow. Claiming you're better than the WWF doesn't mean a thing to those fans who don't follow (or care about) the WWF. For those that do, though, they quickly see that WCW isn't better than the WWF, especially in those areas the WWF excels and WCW is just trying to move into. Given the restrictions placed upon them by Time Warner, WCW can't beat the WWF in terms of shock value, T&A and outright violence. They can't be edgier than the WWF (even with the WWF pulling back a bit to appease advertisers). Well ... let's just move on and see what they have in store for us next week. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Slobberknocker Central" and "Monday Night Recap" are copyright 1999 by John Petrie, and all opinions expressed therein are his own, and not those of "USLink". Check the "Slobberknocker Central" main page for info on how to receive the "Recap" free via E-Mail every week. Volume One, Number 211 of the "Monday Night Recap", November 29th, 1999.