[RESULTS/OPINION]Monday Night RAW/Monday Nitro (3/18) Monday Night RAW: Taped 3/11. - Diesel is now a full blown Heel. More on this later. - BRITISH BULLDOG (w/ Jim Cornette) vs. JAKE "THE SNAKE" ROBERTS The out of shape Roberts is no match for the Bulldog, and he ends up losing by count-out after he chases off Cornette with the snake. - More clips of Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart training. Much like last weeks', these are excellent. - GOLDUST (w/ Marlena) vs. FATU The man who is "making a difference" makes little headway against Goldy. Goldust wears a kilt throughout the match, as Roddy Piper delivers comments via telephone interview. Goldust with the Face Forward Piledriver. - More Ultimate Warrior clips. In the WWF's version of "Where The Big Boys Play" he's shown beating Randy Savage at WrestleMania VII. - Jim Cornette is interviewed with his army. He accepts Jake Roberts' challenge to make the Yokozuna/Vader match at WrestleMania a six-man tag. Yokozuna then informs him that the fine print of the contract says that if Cornette's team (of Vader, Owen Hart, and the Bulldog,) do not defeat Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson, and Roberts, then Yokozuna gets 5 minutes in the ring with Cornette. Cornette, in the best Smoky Mountain tradition, goes nuts. - DIESEL vs. BARRY HOROWITZ Clips of Sunday's card at Madison Square Garden are shown. After Diesel and the Undertaker brawl along the aisle for some time (much to the delight of a very impressive looking crowd) Diesel attacks the 'Taker with a chair. Then Hart. Then Michaels. Michaels is left lying on the mat as Diesel exits to the boo's of the crowd. Shawn's response (as he's being carried out) "I'm gonna kick his seven foot ass!" The match had been a tag match between Michaels/Diesel and Hart/Undertaker. As Diesel is dismantling Horowitz, Paul Bearer wheels a new silver casket to ringside. After the Big Boot and the pin, Diesel grabs a wrench from the timekeeper's table and investigates. Inside the casket is a reasonable facsimile of Diesel himself. The Undertaker's music starts as Diesel bids a hasty (though cautious) retreat. - BRET HART vs. TATANKA (w/ Ted DiBiase) A thoroughly unspectacular match. Not terrible, just boring as all Hell. The 123 Kid tries to come out and interfere, but it backfires - Tatanka clobbers the Kid - and Hart gets the pin. - Billionaire Ted and the something or other commission. This isn't worth the effort to comment on except to say the following: 1. It sucked. 2. It was by far the worse. 3. It was mean spirited and vindictive. 4. It sucked. 5. It wasn't based on any actual statements, just character assasination. 6. It had nothing whatsoever to do with wrestling. 7. It sucked 8. It was a poor rip-off of Jack Nicholson's speech in "A Few Good Men." 9. It wasn't even funny. And... 10. It sucked. Let it die, Vince. For the sake of all that's holy... let it die! - Next week's main event: Shawn Michaels vs. New Rocker Leif Cassidy. Comments: Not a bad RAW by any means. It did it's job well in further selling WrestleMania. As such, it satisfied one's weekly WWF needs. However, unlike some of the last few week's worth of RAW's, the angles and extras could not make up for the lack of very weak matches. Monday Nitro: Live. - Show opens with the Giant and Loch Ness brawling in the aisles. We then find out that the first match is... - LEX LUGER vs. LOCH NESS The ref calls for the bell, counts to 10, and Luger is the winner. Luger gets a quick congratulatory hug from Jimmy Hart (who had apparently commanded the Giant to attack Loch Ness.) Luger then does his "Ick! Jimmy Hart! Stay away *wink* - *wink*" routine. Luger goes to the desk and crows about his victory - "the fastest TV Title defense ever!" Uh huh. - Tony Schiavone inteviews Hogan and Savage. The Mega Powers do what they do best: Talk nonstop for several minutes without actually saying anything. - THE STEINER BROTHERS vs. THE PUBLIC ENEMY This is announced as a "replacement" match to fill in for the above. Pop quiz: Which is uglier - the P.E.'s jerseys... or the Steiners' new theme music? The P.E. grab a table on their way to the ring (proving that WCW hired them to do one thing: Bust up pre-sawed tables.) This is an okay match, probably better than the Steiners/Warriors match last week. Rocco does several good (though marginally muffed) spots. Scott nails him with a fair looking Tilt-A-Whirl Gutwrench Suplex. Rocco narrowly misses a Moonsault (covering it to make it look like it was a Headbutt) and he his a (somewhat slow) Slingshot Moonsault off the ropes. Johnny Grunge stands on the apron and calculates t-bills or something. Rocco eventually busts the table (which conveniently bends - not breaks - along an arrow straight line dead in the center, even though Rocco landed at least a foot over from the middle.) Scott holds up Grunge, and Rick nails him with the Bulldog off the top turnbuckle. - ARN ANDERSON (w/ Woman) vs. THE BOOTY MAN It's now "Booty Man" (as opposed to their previous spelling of Buti Man.") Booty Man will now be fighting Diamond Dallas Page at Uncensored in the place of Johnny B. Badd (whom Biscoff badmouths again.) Kimberly - who may now be called the "Booty Girl" (ugh) comes to ringside. Arn and Booty deliver the closest thing to a "normal" match that you see on Nitro these days. Booty Man wins with his Flying Knee move that looked really lame eight years ago. - THE ROAD WARRIORS vs. THE NASTY BOYS This match too was a bit better than last week's LOD/Steiner match (IMO.) You can tell that Brian Knobbs is injured because he wears some ace bandaging around his midriff... OVER his t-shirt! Knobbs takes a Nasty (heh-heh) looking bump to the railing from the ring apron. Other than that, the match was one big slobberknocker. Animal gets the pin with nearly the exact same finish as last week - the ol' shinguard to the head and the pin. - HULK HOGAN/RANDY SAVAGE vs. RIC FLAIR/KEVIN SULLIVAN This is (allegedly) a Texas Tornado match, where all four men are in the ring at the same time. There are no rules, which pretty much explains why the ref kept breaking holds and other ref stuff. After several minutes of vintage Nitro mayhem, Brian "F**kin'" Pillman shows up at ringside and attacks Savage. The whole group brawls on the floor. The ref (who looked to be recieving the "Psst! We're out of time!" signal on his ear piece, eventually calls for the bell. It all moves to the ring, as we prepare to fade to... Good God almighty... is that Zeus! Oh jeez - it is! Tom "Tiny" Lister makes his ignominious return to the ring. He's a bit fatter, and his continuous eyebrow is painted on now, but it's him. Him and some fat white behemoth whom I don't recognize. As Hogan and crew reluctantly depart, Jimmy Hart, Sullivan, and the Horsemen display their latest acquisitions in their effort to destroy Hulkamania. Lister is now the "Gangster" ("Gangstah?" "Gangsta?") while the other guy is the "Final Solution." Sometime during all this, Pillman (who was wearing a t-shirt with his 900 number on it) makes his escape.The whole gang rants on for a while, until the show mercifully ends. - Next week's main event: I couldn't tell ya if ya paid me! They didn't say. Comments: Crap! But it was watchable crap. There are now 47 people in the Dungeon of Doom, and none of them can wrestle. I can't believe they brought Zeus back. King Kong Bundy oughtta move to Atlanta, as there's almost assuredly work there for him. Bottom line: Uncensored is a week away and I have no idea what the final matches are. Wanna bet Mr. T shows up? WrestleMania should be decent at the very least. If the main event only lives up to half it's potential, it'll still be a great match. The Piper/ Goldust match has potential as well. This week's winner: Nitro. (See... I'm not biased.)